Your cell phone rings.  You answer.  The conversation begins.  It could be about almost anything.  You listen.  You talk.  Communication 101.  You say goodbye, and I turn to you and say, “How present were you with that person during the conversation?”  You insist that you were completely present and full engaged.
 
We'd like to believe we are fully present in all of our conversations.  In reality, how we communicate is largely automatic.  Instead of listening, we react.  Our brain has been calibrated to tune into specific words, intonation, and body language.  Then we filter.  Every experience we have had up until now has taught us what to pay attention to and what to ignore.  Biases make our brains functioning more efficient. 
 
Lately, I’ve been trying to pay attention to the pace of conversations on the phone.  I started observing this after a very memorable conversation.  The person on the other end of the phone talked so fast that by the end of the conversation I noticed that my pace had significantly increased.  I was syncing up with them over the phone.  Over time, as I continued to pay attention, I began to notice a pattern.  If the other person was talking quickly, I tended to speed up.  If the other person was talking slowly, I tended to slow down.  It then occurred to me that perhaps the other person was doing the same thing I was doing.  (I recognize that if you are reading this blog, it may be awkward the next time we talk on the phone.)
 
It is a challenge to not go along with the automatic and to work at self-regulating one's interactions with another.  I can get caught up in the emotional triggers of a conversation and be unaware of how automatic the conversation has become.  And while there is nothing inherently wrong with doing the automatic thing, when anxiety increase, doing what’s automatic begins to create problems in the relationship.
 
I often come back to words in my tradition from Paul, “Don’t be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you can figure out what God’s will is—what is good and pleasing and mature.” (Romans 12:2 CEB). 
 
A mature leader is aware of their automatic tendencies and makes an effort to engage their best thinking.  They learn the basic patterns of the family emotional process and their part in the process.  They come up with a plan to do their part differently.  They anticipate how others will respond and how they will respond to them, all the while working to tone down any anxiety that may be bubbling up inside.  They avoid retreating from others or telling others what to do.  They focus on communicating what is important to them.  This is one way to think about differentiation of self.
 
So, the next time you are having a conversation with someone, pay attention to how the other is responding to you.  Pay attention to how you are responding to the other.  In what way are you syncing up and in what ways are you just reacting?  The best place to practice is on your family because, well, they’re your family after all.  Learning to regulate one’s automatic, emotional responses and thinking about how to communicate your best possible self is at the heart of good communication.

There is a certain level of risk in buying a used car. You never know what you are getting. I recently purchased a used car, and it didn’t take long to realize I had made a mistake.

I began having problems with the accelerator pedal. I’d step on the gas, and sometimes the car would spurt forward and then stop. Sometimes it would accelerate but only to about 5 miles an hour. Sometimes at higher speeds, the throttle would fail and I’d have to coast to a stop.

As frustrating as it was, it reminded me of my effort to make personal changes in my life. Change at first is awkward. It might look like spurts forward. Other times it is slow going, and nothing I do will speed up the process. Then there are times when I make significant progress, only to revert back to old ways.


So, what is change and how do we change?

When people talk about making a change, they typically refer to a change in behavior. Christians around the world recently observed a season of Lent, which includes an opportunity to change a specific behavior. Some people give up a “bad” behavior like smoking or laundering money, while others try to introduce a “good” behavior like having a daily prayer time or always smiling at a neighbor they despise. Most people view change as something that takes place in their brain. For me, behavioral change takes place in a relationship system.

Substantive change happens when one is able to see how their behavior is intricately connected to a relationship system. We’d like to think that our behavior is autonomous but that way of thinking is simply outdated. Most behavior is automatic and is motivated by the back and forth interactions (verbal and nonverbal) between emotionally significant people in our lives. It’s difficult to “see” this process, but it’s not impossible to observe. In fact, it's our behaviors that help us "see" the emotional process. Our behavior is a reaction to the behavior of others. Dr. Murray Bowen originally saw changes in behavior as outcomes of a shift in the emotional functioning of a family system.

Take smoking, for example. If I were to ask a smoker how many cigarettes they smoke on an average day, they might say five. That’s average. If I were to ask them to keep a daily log, they might observe how on certain days they are able to get by with one cigarette. But on other days, they might have as many as eight or nine. What makes the difference?

Most research today answer this question by pointing to stress. The more stressed you are, the more cigarettes you smoke. People experience a feeling of calmness when they smoke. However, if the daily log were to include family interactions, one would observe how smoking increases when the tension in the family increases. How much it goes up or down depends on the number of family contacts being made. In this way, smoking is an automatic, reactive response to the anxiety present in the family.

This reciprocal nature of behavior is true for anything you want to change. Whether you want to start running, take cooking classes, stop swearing, or be a better parent our inability to make a change in our behavior is connected to our position in our families. Change is a challenge because 1) it is difficult to see this emotional process unfold and 2) it’s difficult to consider that the family we already struggle to relate to is somehow having an impact on my behavior.


Change is not just physiological. It’s biological.

Changing our behavior does have a psychological component. Nothing will change if we aren’t aware and convinced that change is necessary. As I mentioned earlier, when we see how our behavior is a result of or influenced by the emotional process in the family, we are in a better position to make a change. These observations don’t make it easier, but they do give us an advantage. But psychological conviction will only get you so far.

Changing behavior is similar to accelerating and braking a car. You want to get going, but the throttle doesn’t work. At times, it can almost feel like the brakes are fully engaged. You want to make a change, but you can feel yourself being held back. If you could only figure out a way to get your foot off of the brake or fix the throttle, you could make the change. Either way, you feel stuck. If you are like me, it can feel like you have your foot on the brake and accelerator at the same time!

For others, efforts to make a change may require one to step off of the throttle. You are going too fast and moving too quickly. It’s as if the car is stuck at a fast speed and you may physically resist the urge to slow down.

There is a physical sensation to making a change. Whether it’s the experience of having our foot on the brake, afraid to move forward, or having our foot on the throttle, afraid to let up, the “self” experiences the resistance and reactivity. There is a visceral experience of changing your behavior.


Overcoming our fears

At the root of the challenge is our perception of fear. I say perception because in most cases, what we fear is not real. At one time, a specific fear may have served a function. A specific fear may have been useful to a prior generation. But humans are really good at seeing a threat even when the threat is not real.

Our inability to take our foot off of the throttle or the brake is a result of a perceived fear. We are afraid that if we change our behavior, either in the direction of doing more or doing less, something bad will happen to us and/or our family. If I stop doing what I always do, it will not go well. If I start doing something new, it will not go well. These perceptions may be psychological in nature, but they become embodied in our everyday behaviors.


The importance of getting factual

Dr. Murray Bowen said, “That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.” Learning to connect our behavior to the larger emotional process of the family relationship system is an essential part of any effort to change behavior.

Here are some things to consider when trying to move forward:

• What behavior do you want to change?
• What are the challenges you face in changing this behavior?
• What contributes to an increase or decrease in this behavior?
• How does this behavior function in the family? How does it calm you or the family down?
• Consider asking parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents about a time they tried to change their behavior? Perhaps asking about the one you are attempting to change.
• Make predictions on how others will respond to your attempt to change.

If this way of thinking makes sense to you, let me know. I’m available to coach you through a change process.

I recently read The Gifts of the Dark Wood by Eric Elnes.  The book looks at the ways we become lost in life and how we can rediscover a path that brings us alive.
 
In the chapter on the “Gift of Temptation,” Elnes writes about what he calls the human flaw of pride and shame, “both of which convince us that we are separate from God, either because we are smarter than God or because we are so unworthy of God’s love and therefore must create our own path through life.” (120) It got me thinking about two relationship mechanisms from Bowen Family System’s Theory: overfunction and underfunction. 
 
When anxiety in the family system increases, there are automatic, behavioral mechanisms humans use to manage a rise in tension.  As one person becomes uncomfortable with the rising level of tension in the relationship system, they begin to take on more responsibility for the challenge.  In other words, they end up doing for others what others can do for themselves. 
 
Most clergy overfunction.  As anxiety rises in a congregation, clergy step in and take on more responsibility.  It’s an automatic response to the rising tension in the congregation.  Why do people do this?  Because it reduces their internal level of anxiety.  They have picked up the anxiety of the group, and now they have to do something with it.  Clergy (or anyone) who overfunction are seen by others in the system as control freaks or too authoritarian.  However, we forget that individuals do not overfunction in a vacuum.  They are responding to what is going on in the relationship system.
 
Overfunctioning is half of a reciprocal relationship process.  For one person to overfunction, someone else needs to underfunctioning.  It’s like a dance.  In a marriage, when anxiety rises, one person steps up to be more responsible.  The other gives up self (or their level of functioning) so that the one can overfunction.  It can also begin when one person’s functioning declines in response to an anxious situation.  The other will then step in to take over more responsibility for the relationship.  Either way, once the dance has begun, it’s difficult for either partner to change their functioning.  They both fear it will create more problems if they change the way they behave. 
 
Most families and congregations have some version of over/under reciprocal functioning in the relationship system.  It’s a fact of life.  Some manage it better than others.  Occasionally, someone will decide to change the way they participate in the dance.  They’ll make a move to function differently.  It puts everyone in the system into a temporary state of crisis as the fear response (which created the relationship problem in the first place) becomes elevated.  But, if one can maintain their new position, without reacting back or going back, the relationship system can adjust for the better. 
 
Those who overfunction in response to anxiety may experience what Elne's calls pride.  A feeling of pride is connected to the emotional drive to make things happen, take responsibility for a person or group, or solve other people’s problems.  Likewise, those who underfunction may experience what Elne's calls feelings of shame.  They may feel like they are not worthy of stepping up and doing better.  They may feel that they are less than human.  Feelings have a way of locking into place behaviors in the relationship system, convincing everyone in the system that the way we automatically behave is the only way. 
 
It is challenging to step back and become aware of how fear drives this process in the relationship system.  When we are afraid, yes, we are tempted to be prideful or feel ashamed.  When we are afraid we may automatically move into a position of overfunction or underfunction; not because there is something wrong with us but because of the way the relationship system automatically responds to fear. 
 
When we are able to disrupt the automatic, emotional responses, even for a moment, we expose our fear.  When we stop automatically solving other people's problems, we provide ourselves an opportunity to "see" our fear.  When we find the motivation to raise our level of functioning, we provide an opportunity to "see" our fear. 
 
From this vantage point, we can think about how our best self can respond to a challenge and not just be reactive.  This idea is similar to what Eric Elnes says is the temptation to act before God acts.  By toning down the automatic, we are able to discern our next steps forward.  It's a time for listening, reflecting, and thinking!
 
The next time you feel yourself automatically stepping up or shutting down, ask yourself these question:

• What do I need to do to step back at this moment?
• What will it take for me to wait before I respond?
• What is my automatic response to this situation?
• What am I afraid of?
• What will happen if I don’t act or don’t act right now?
• Is that fear real or perceived?
• Who in my family responds the way I do?
• How is their reaction a product of the family system?
• What will it take for me to respond differently?
• How will I preserve in my effort to respond differently despite the pressure from others not to change?