I am taking a break from writing this blog.  I’m about to begin a four-month renewal leave from my congregation.  During this time, I hope to redirect my energy towards things that are renewing and important to me.  I’m grateful for this platform.  It has provided me space to imagine the applications of Bowen’s concept of differentiation of self.  I’m glad others have found it useful.  There is more than enough material here for ongoing thinking and reflection: thirty-four months’ worth of 117 blogs!
 
It is fitting to conclude this initial stretch of writing with a reflection on the ideal congregation.  I’m not suggesting that there is an ideal utopia of congregational life.  There is not.  Congregations like families are imperfect.  But they can thrive by being adaptive.  A recent visitor to my congregation, who had visited several other churches, stated, “I’ve decided to stay here at this church because I think this is about as good as it is going to get.”  Imagine this as a congregation’s tag line:  NAME OF CONGREGATION: As Good as It’s Going to Get!
 
There is a lot of talk about congregational decline and what to do about it.  Congregational development and redevelopment programs highlight small group ministries as a key to congregational vitality.  Seeing the congregation through the lens of Bowen Family Systems Theory has helped me understand how, far from group activities, it is the individual effort, expressed through differentiation of self, that can lead to a better functioning community. 
 
Here are some examples, although very brief, that reflect my thinking: 
 

• Individuals work to clarify their beliefs. 
• Individuals relate to others based on what is important to self (core principles, values and beliefs).
• Conversations with others are focused on self-discovery and what is important to self while at the same time being curious and interested in what others are discovering and working on. 
• Individuals work to clarify when and how they will volunteer and serve in the congregation and in the community while also being clear about when and how they will not. 

 
Congregational decline is reflective in the waning number of members, worship attendees and the inability of leaders to recruit motivated volunteers.  Regardless of the style of leadership, the challenges tend to be the same.  In declining congregations it is difficult to find motivated individuals who prioritize their effort to clarify core beliefs, values and principles.  Most people are simply not motivated to work on it.  Beliefs are understood as a private matter with little or no interaction with the thinking of others.  If beliefs are discussed with others, each may posture as if they are certain about their beliefs.  However, it is rare to find individuals who talk about their uncertainty or discuss what they are learning about their beliefs.  It is often the “feel-good” nature of the relationship system in the congregation that motivates people to attend even when the congregation is in decline.
 
 
So, what are some key ingredients of a thriving congregation?  These ideas represent some of my thinking about it. 
 

• Faith leaders meet annually with each person in the congregation to discuss the individual’s plan for formation and development.  What are individuals motivated to work on and what steps do they plan to take?

 

• Small groups become places for individuals to work on clarifying beliefs, core principles and values without being pressured to conform to one way of thinking.  It is not a place to debate if someone’s beliefs, core principles or values are right or wrong.  The focus of the small group is on developing individual clarification based on one’s best thinking.

 
The faith community may be the only institution that encourages individuals to be clear about beliefs.  Educational institutions come close with a focus on critical thinking and learning facts.  However, like religious or any other institution, they can become stuck in their institutional challenges.  There is a difference, however, between education and religious institutions.  The ability to articulate a belief includes the inherent challenge of holding a belief while being in relationship to other important people.  Anyone can be a critical thinker and remain cutoff from important others.  Within the norms of many faith communities are beliefs about maintaining relationships with important others even when we disagree.  How does one identify and make good use of beliefs (whatever they may be) when the going gets tough in the family or any relationship system?  Faith communities can do a better job of helping individuals answer this important question.

The word “resilience” has caught the fancy of the scientific community.  Researchers want to unravel the mystery of how two people can face an identical challenge with very different outcomes?  How does one person navigate a challenge successfully while the other does not?  The first person is labeled resilient.  But what makes them resilient?  It’s not entirely clear.  For example, how do some alcoholics stick to sobriety while others slide backwards?  How do some addicts succumb to the death grip of meth while others slip free?  How do some pastors figure out a way forward for a congregation while others give up and leave ministry?    
 
One idea is that resilient people have a thought process that says, “I can do this.”  No matter the quantity or quality of the challenge, a resilient person faces the challenge straight on and say, “This will not be the end of me!”  It is a form of confidence that says to the darkness, “you will not win.”  Like the patient just diagnosed with cancer, they face the doctor and say, “I’m going to lick this thing.”  Or the student who picks up a seven-hundred-page textbook and says, “Let’s go!”  It’s the pastor who reminds the congregation, “Hope is the conviction of things not seen.”  It is the parent who stands at the foot of their child’s grave and says, “Life will somehow go on.”  Or the parent in hospice care who says to their children and grandchildren, “You will be resilient when I’m gone.” 
 
A young man is estranged from his father after years of physical and emotional abuse.  The estrangement allowed the young man to feel safe.  But now, living on his own (and a little bit older and stronger), the young man decides to return home to face his father.  The son is not interested in winning.  He wants an equal relationship with the father he once feared.  With a little bit of work, he finds some confidence and a voice.  His confidence comes from the knowledge he gained doing research on his father’s family.  He discovered a history of physical abuse handed down from one generation to the next as an automatic pattern of behavior.  He learned about the family history of absent mothers who often retreated to the other room when fathers became angry with their sons.  He began to see how accepting this pattern of behavior as “fate” was the part he played in the triangle.  Standing at the door of the house, in front of his father, he speaks, “You and I are better than this.  We can have a relationship without violence; without the escalations of words. I want a relationship with you that is based on respect.  I want a different relationship.”  He is resilient.
 
Working on being resilient doesn’t guarantee a positive outcome.  In the end, we all will die from something.  But resilience does make a difference for oneself and to important others.  It is just one component of what it takes to step up and do better in this life.  We have a limited number of challenges to face over a lifetime.  Each challenge is an opportunity to bring our best self to any situation.  Overcoming adversity is about bringing one’s confidence, thinking, and determination to any challenge and letting nothing get in the way of one’s relationship with important others and God.

Is your congregation's nomination process up and running?  It's that time of year again.  While administrative structures vary from church to church, the challenge of nominating people to specific positions remains the same.  Finding the right person is always a dilemma.  Do you find the person who has general qualities of leadership or do you find a specialist?  New research suggests that when it comes to having a high functioning community, our ancient ancestors used a combination of generalists and specialists.
 
A recent paper, by scientists from the Max Planck Institute for the Science of Human History and the University of Michigan, suggests that modern humans were able to migrant into new territories around the globe and survive because of their ability to mix generalist with specialists across kin groups.  How this worked and to what extent is not completely understood, but the idea is supported by archaeological discoveries.  However, researches don’t need to look back to understand this process.  Congregations provide a laboratory for understanding how individuals are selected to serve.  Here are some examples of how congregations decide.
 
 
The Nomination Committee
 
I used this process for many years.  The committee begins to meet several months in advance of the annual meeting.  One of the challenges to having a nominations committee is finding people who can put in the time.  Because the process is fluid, sometimes the committee needs to meet more often than other committees.  The purpose of a nominating committee is to identify potential leadership openings, to identify the qualities needed for the open positions and to brainstorm a list of potential candidates through a process of consensus building.  Candidates are more likely to say "yes" if they know a group from the congregation supports them as a leader and if the pastor contacts them directly to make the offer.  The upside of this method for clergy is that, depending on term limits, after a couple of years, the structure is filled with people who were chosen by their peers and personally invited to serve by the pastor.  This has a positive impact on the level of collaboration and cooperation within the organization. 
 
 
A Clergy Prepared Slate
 
In some congregations, and sometimes in the interest of time, clergy prepare the slate to be presented for approval.  A nominations committee may or may not be part of this process.  The upside for clergy is that they get to handpick individuals they know they can work with.  The downside is that individuals with leadership potential are overlooked.  There is a risk of creating an insular structure, but this risk is also real in the nomination committee model if the committee simply rubber stamps whoever the pastor recommends.  Even when clergy are preparing the slate, it is important to involve the congregation by asking for suggestions and input.
 
 
The Interview Process
 
This is my favorite way to nominate because it addresses two of the biggest problems in leadership: a lack of motivation and the mismatch of people and positions.  The first step is to create a job description for every position in the church.  The second step is to invite members to apply for each position.  An interview team (which can be a nominations committee) made up of a small group of current leaders and at-large members, will interview the applicants.  The strength of this approach comes from the process.  Those who apply are already motivated.  The interview process gives the applicant and the interview team time to discern if it is a good match.  The interview is also a time to talk about the applicant’s discipleship journey and the leadership opportunity.  If done well, this process creates a culture of discipleship.
 
 
Other Considerations
 
Whatever model you use, make sure the process is open.  Let the congregation know the dates of meetings and deadlines for the nomination process.  Publish the slate of nominations a couple of weeks (the earlier the better) before the annual meeting and make it easily accessible for people to review.  If you are clergy or a congregational leader, make yourself available to answer questions about the slate and be open to hearing people’s responses, ideas and suggestions.  Depending on your polity, consider a process where the slate can be reviewed and recommended at each level of the structure.  For example, if you are nominating for trustees, present the slate to the trustee's committee and ask for feedback.  Ask the congregation's council or board to recommend the slate for the annual meeting.  Have small group leaders remind people in their groups to review the slate. 
 
The best process is one that is clearly defined and open.  Attempts to nominate behind closed doors in secret and resist congregational participation only creates problems. 

What process works best for you and for the congregation? 

What books do people who use Bowen Family Systems Theory as a framework for congregational leadership recommend?  To find out, I reached out to authors, teachers and coaches who work with clergy and congregations.  Below is an interesting list of books that touch on Bowen Theory and systems thinking.  What books would you add to the list?

​
Rev. Richard Blackburn – Executive Director, Lombard Mennonite Peace Center

A key recommended resource for clergy who are committed to managing self in the midst of congregational anxieties would be Differentiation of Self:  Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives, edited by Peter Titelman.  The book assembles a stellar array of essays, by some of the top Bowen theory practitioners, illuminating the cornerstone concept of systems thinking.  The book is valuable for clergy and other leaders who have found family systems theory to be a reliable compass for navigating the challenges of family, congregational and organizational life in these increasingly anxious times.   It is essential reading for all who want to deepen their understanding of the concept of differentiation, as a foundation for staying on course in the ongoing effort to be true to self, while honoring others. 


Larry L. Foster, MA, D.Min. – Retired Pastor and Current Curriculum and Development Coordinator for ELCA Systems Academy

Around the time Dr. Murray Bowen was doing his research (1954-1959), Eric Hoffer, an intellectual stevedore, who worked on the docks of San Francisco, wrote his classic book, The True Believer: Thoughts on the Nature of Mass Movements, which could be considered a kind of precursor (or observational intellectual parallel) to observing societal movements as they occur over time.  

Hoffer offers some psychological analysis behind the phenomena of mass movements (or shifts in society), leadership and the emotional forces at work in shaping social structures and processes.  While not seeking a “science of human behavior,” he provides a larger picture of social phenomena around the same time Bowen and others researched the puzzle of living relationships.  According to Hoffer, in his famous “social psychology” book, persons of words and persons of action can be persuasive as well as coercive in starting a movement for good or ill.  He discusses fanaticism and extremes in societal causes.  With strong argument and observation, he describes the conditions that have led to major oppressive mass movements.  People who are frustrated, angry, self-rejecting and empty are set up to latch onto a group or organization that is “beyond themselves.”  This involves rejecting the current state of affairs, remembering a better past and looking for a better future.  People who are frustrated that society is struck, messy and without purpose follow those who blame the leaders and institutions that are in place.  In his descriptions, he references major historical movements such as Christianity, communism, Judaism, fascism and others that spiked in dominance over the centuries.

“The situation is not unlike that observed in children and undifferentiated adults where the lack of a distinct individuality leaves the mind without the guards against the intrusion of influences from without.”   “The go-getter and the hustler have much in them that is abortive and undifferentiated. One is never really stripped for action unless one is stripped of a distinct and differentiated self.” On the other hand, he writes, “It is strange to think that in the Judaic-Christian movement for the malady of the soul the world received a miraculous instrument for raising societies and nations from the dead—an instrument of resurrection.”

Eric Hoffer became an observer and participant emerging at an interesting juxtaposition in time with other “larger picture people,” researching human functioning following World War Two and the beginning of the atomic age.


The Rev. Carol P. Jeunnette, Ph.D.

The focus of Dr. Jenny Brown’s book, Growing Yourself Up: How to bring your best to all of life's relationships, is clear from beginning to end.  It is about growing one’s self up: what it looks like, what it takes and what makes the slow process so challenging and yet so important.  It isn’t about helping others to grow up, although that might happen as a by-product when one grows one’s self up.   Although Dr. Brown’s thinking is rooted in Bowen Family Systems Theory, it is less about Bowen theory and more about working on one’s own maturity.  

The first part of Growing Yourself Up lays the groundwork for understanding the relationship foundations of adult maturity.  By the end of Part I, readers have been introduced to the central ideas of Bowen theory through client vignettes, personal examples and approachable writing.  Part 2 considers maturity for the first half of adult life: leaving home, the single young adult, marriage, sex, and parenting.  Parts 3 and 4 look beyond family, and addresses maturity in the face of setbacks.  Part 5 focuses on maturity in the second half of life, and Part 6 moves toward questions of helping others and the larger society.  Although the volume is not written for clergy and congregations, Dr. Brown addresses the importance of spirituality and is clear about her own beliefs and principles.  

Each chapter ends with reflection questions, and the end of the book itself has seven appendices.  These include additional material on connection and separateness, guiding principles, the continuum of differentiation of self, family diagrams and Biblical reflections on relationships.  

Growing Yourself Up is a great introduction to the way of understanding human behavior developed by Murray Bowen.  After re-reading it, I have been putting together a list of people to whom I want to send it, and I’m considering purchasing three or four additional copies to have on my bookshelf in the office at church.  However, I’m thinking that if I hand it out to everyone, I will miss the point.  Perhaps others would be better served if I spent time working through those reflection questions, thinking about my own relationship system and most of all about my own maturity, immaturity and work on self.  Hmmm….


Emlyn Ott - Executive Director and CEO, Healthy Congregations, Inc., Associate Professor of Pastoral Theology and Leadership; Director of Doctor of Ministry Programs at Bexley Seabury Seminary, and Affiliated Faculty, Methodist Theological School in Ohio

Margaret Marcuson has put together a thoughtful piece that clearly demonstrates the circumstances that clergy face in Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry.  She shares situations that are clearly recognizable for clergy leadership.  She both frames questions and encourages the development of curiosity in a way that is firmly centered in differentiation of self.  She provides understanding, thinking and practice that contributes to the evolution of both basic and functional self capacities.  I like to use basic books about theory (Gilbert, Papero, Richardson) in pastoral care classes that I teach in the first or second year of seminary, but I think of Dr. Marcuson's work as a great addition for the last year of seminary where fieldwork has been a part of the experience.  Her work resonates with those who are new to ministry or who desire a fresh perspective on continuing experiences.


Ron Richardson – Author, Retired Pastoral Counselor, and Marriage and Family Therapist

I strongly recommend Dr. Murray Bowen's book Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. It is sort of the Bible of the theory. It is not an easy book to read, and most people do not have the patience to read all of it. If one is a dedicated reader, then it would be interesting to read the chapters in it in the order of their original publication. I did this to get a sense of how Bowen's thinking developed from standard psychoanalytic thinking (which was also my original training) to a full statement of his own theory. However, if one is motivated only to read a few chapters, then I recommend Chapters 16, 20, 21, and 22. There are many interpreters of Bowen theory (like myself), but it is always best to study directly his own words and thinking. This will give insights and nuances that many interpreters may miss. In reading these chapters, the key for church leaders is to replace the word "family" (and its cognates) with the word "congregation." Similar transpositions (like "pastor" in place of "therapist") would also make the theory more relevant. Because Bowen's theory is about human beings in their relationships, and not just the specialized world of psychotherapy, it is relatively easy to see how his work applies to us in the church.  I regularly re-read this book. I always get new insights with each reading.

If you lead a volunteer organization, your biggest challenge is not money.  Your biggest challenge is finding motivated volunteers.  And by motivated, I mean motivated to be responsible. 
 
Congregations are structured by committees.  Committees are lead by volunteers who support the mission of the organization.  But not every volunteer is motivated to do the work.  So, congregations are often a mix of committees where some function at a higher level while others struggle to accomplish their objectives.  What makes the difference?  It is the motivation of the volunteers. 
 
There are basically three ways people develop motivation.  The first two are about external motivating factors.  We all find motivation and inspiration from other people.  People who are charismatic can often motivate the unmotivated.  This is why charismatic leaders are so popular.  The second way people are motivated is when they become uncomfortable with the way things are.  If one is uncomfortable with the direction (or lack thereof) of an organization, they become motivated to make things better.  Like the first example, this is an external motivator because the motivation is based on a perceived assessment of the organization. 
 
Dr. Murray Bowen observed this external process of motivation in the family.  He described it as an over/under reciprocity or over/under reciprocal functioning.  The basic idea is that behavior occurs reciprocally in a relationship system or emotional unit (like the family).  Bowen observed that one spouse will overfunction, and the other spouse lets them overfunction.  The more one does for the other, the less the other does for them self.  These same patterns are extended to other relationship systems.  If one’s tendency is to underfunction in the family, they will more than likely bring this same pattern to the congregation.  If a leader underfunctions on a committee, others on the committee may find themselves taking on more responsibility (doing the things that leader can do).  If a leader overfunctions in the family, in the committee they may take on more responsibility than is needed. 
 
It’s helpful to note that anxiety drives this reciprocal process of over/underfunctioning.  As one becomes consumed with worry and fear, other picks up the anxiety and each person shifts into doing either more or less.  The reactivity to anxiety to do more or do less is the product of a multigenerational family emotional process.  In a way, one learns these patterns from one’s family of origin over the generations.  The reactivity is automatic in the sense that very little thinking and awareness go into this response.  It just happens.
 
The third example of motivation is what Dr. Bowen identified in the concept of differentiation of self.  When an individual is clear about core principles and a life direction, they are motivated to do the work.  It is an internal motivation because it comes from within the self.  This type of motivation is not determined by the motivation (or lack of motivation) of others but instead is based on a clear understanding of one’s beliefs and direction.  The focus of this type of motivation is less on others and more on self.  However, it is not selfish.  In fact, this type of motivation enables one to be more available to others. 
 
In congregations, some people use the word motivation and calling interchangeably.  To find motivation is to rediscover one’s calling into ministry.  Again, one's “calling” can be caught up in the reciprocal back and forth process of the relationship system.  One might feel called in response to what others are doing or not doing.  A true calling is something one pursues with or without others.  Leadership can be lonely.
 
When an organization is full of motivated people, the work they do together is less complicated.  When I think back on the many years my kids played soccer, it was easy to tell which kids were motivated to play.  The motivated kids excelled and were able to step up when challenged.  Less motivated kids depended more on the coach.  They did not excel as quickly.  A good coach can tell which players are motivated and then knows how to both motivated and train their players.  In a congregation, a pastor can tell who is motivated and who needs to be motivated.
 
The congregation I serve created a new process to identify motivated leaders.  If someone is interested in serving on the top leadership team, they must go through an application process.  Applicants fill out a form and provide written answers to questions.  The questions are designed to help an applicant reflect on their motivation for serving, consider their gifts and talents, and discern if they are called to be on the leadership team.  Once the application is completed, applicants are then interviewed. 
 
For many years, the process of filling a volunteer leadership position in the church was accomplished by externally motivating people to serve.  It’s sometimes referred to as arm twisting.  The result often left unmotivated individuals sitting in positions of responsibility accomplishing very little.  This new process addresses the problems with motivation.  Is this person applying for a leadership position because the congregation needs someone in that position or because the individual is self-motivated to do the work?  And if they are motivated, is it because the work is important to them or because they are anxious and worried about the organization?  The answers to these questions can have different outcomes.
 
The ideal candidate for a volunteer position in the church is someone whose personal goals, beliefs, and life direction is in line with the congregation's goals, beliefs and direction.  There may be differences over the details.  But in general, what is important to the individual is important to the congregation.  In this way, the calling (and motivation) of the individual supersedes the needs of the organization.  The individual will pursue what motivates them whether the congregation accepts them as a volunteer or not.  One could make the case that a thriving congregation is simply a collection of individuals who are self-motivated to pursue their calling in life.  And to that, I say Alleluia!  Amen!

​How well do you pay attention?  Remember the grade school report cards?  When I was in elementary school, we were graded on whether or not we made good use of our time, or how well we pay attention in class?  It's not just kids who have problems paying attention.  Adults struggle, too.
 
Our amazing brains process sensory inputs automatically.  Most of these inputs are processed without conscious awareness.  The human depends on the nervous system to react automatically to the environment, especially a threat.  If the human consciously processed all sensory inputs before it acted, our species would be extinct.  This is the human condition.  It’s more than just having awareness. 
 
Some clergy can get themselves into serious trouble.  When clergy behave inappropriately it’s a problem for supervisors, and it can have a lasting impact on a congregation.  I used to believe that clergy (who got into trouble) lacked awareness.  Awareness is what boards of ordained ministry look for in candidates.  Some people are oblivious to the impact they are having on others, and the impact others are having on them.  But, it is not simply an issue of having awareness.
 
It is possible to “watch” (aka: have an awareness of) what is happening around oneself and still do what is automatic.  In a congregational meeting, one can be clear about what one wants to say but struggle to bring themselves to say it.  It can also be the case that one struggles not to say something that will be counterproductive to the meeting.  They say it anyway.  It's as if they cant help themselves.  Paying attention and acting in a way that is consistent with one’s awareness is a challenge.
 
Paying attention includes activities like observing, researching and thinking.  There is a process of observing.  It includes intentionality, motivation and curiosity.  It’s not in our nature to walk around every moment of every day observing the universe around us.  But when one is intentional, motivated and curious it can lead to agency and action.  
 
The greatest obstacle to the process of paying attention is the fear response.  I’m sitting in a coffee shop trying to pay attention as I write this blog.  Around me are sounds of children laughing, music playing, people talking on their cell phones, and bursts of sounds from the espresso machine.  On some days, I can tune all of it out and focus on writing.  On other days, it’s almost impossible to . . . to . . . to . . . focus.  Then there are days when my attention is somewhere in the middle.  What makes the difference?  The activation and chronic level of the fear response, the levels of cortisol and other stress hormones released in the body and the bodies ability to down-regulate this process. 
 
What triggers the fear response, how sensitive the response is, how quickly the response is engaged, how intense the response is, how quickly the response returns to baseline (if at all) and how chronic the response remains are all variables that are influenced by one’s family of origin.  What we pay attention to and don’t pay attention to is a family systems process.  Not from the past but in the present!  It is happening now, in real time.
 
Attention is on a continuum of human functioning.  At one end of the continuum are those who pay little to no attention to the universe around them.  They are wrapped up in their own little world. At the other end are people who can get overly fixated on just about anything.  I lead a drum circle with children and youth in my congregation.  The key to playing in a drum circle is the ability to focus on playing a unique rhythm while at the same time playing in sync with the other drummers who are playing a different rhythm.  If one listens too much to everyone else, they lose track of their rhythm.  If one listens only to oneself, they will be out of sync with the group.  It’s a balance. 
 
Chronic anxiety can shift attention either away from others or towards others.  As anxiety goes up in the relationship system, some people automatically move their attention away from others.  Their level of discomfort moves them to disconnect and to shift their focus away to other things.  For some, an increase in anxiety moves their attention towards others to control the behavior of others.  In the former, we say “I’m out of here.  Get away from me.”  In the latter, we say, “Stop doing that.  Do this.”
 
Differentiation of self makes a difference for those who struggle with paying attention.  Differentiation of self is not about disengaging nor is it about becoming consumed with the behavior (irritating as it may seem) of others.  It is about being aware of the impulse to do either and then to catch oneself.  It’s a disruption of the automatic response in self.  At one level, it is watching one’s behavior knowing that it is the result of synaptic signaling in the brain.  At another level, it is watching the anxious "charge" that is passed between people in a relationship system and observing how it influences behavior.  It is separating feelings from thinking and knowing where one stops and others begin.
 
Learning to pay attention is about slowing down one’s internal reactivity to others and being more thoughtful in the interactions with others.  To this end, it may be useful to create a timeline of a specific interaction with someone important in the family.  The timeline consists of mapping out who says what, when, where and to whom while at the same time tracking behavior.  This exercise can be useful in understanding shifts in attention.  When one says “X,” the spouse does “Y.”  When the spouse does “Y,” one of the kids does “Z.”  And so on.  By slowing down the interactions and mapping them out, it is possible to observe how attention shifts away from and towards others.  It is a system, so X, Y and Z are influencing each other at the same time.  
 
For anyone willing to pay attention to how the family works, there is a treasure trove of understanding and opportunities available to even the most novice of voyagers.  The adventure awaits!

Six years ago, I was invited to lead a workshop on evangelism for a congregation that averages 500 in worship.  The congregation wanted to expand its outreach to the community.  I am not an expert on evangelism but accepted the invitation as an opportunity to be a good thinker and to connect the concept of evangelism with discipleship. 
 
 
THE TYPICAL EVANGELIST
 
I recently walked out of Union Station in Chicago surprised to see a twenty-something hipster preaching with a portable speaker. With his facial hair and tweed cap, he proclaimed God’s love for all of us.  His message was an if/then proposition.  If someone confesses their sins, they will have eternal life.  I’ve attended several church growth seminars.  At no time was street preaching suggested as a method for growing a congregation which is interesting given its historical success.
 
Take my tradition, The United Methodist Church.  Our founder, John Wesley preached in public on top of his father’s gravestone!  There certainly is a time and place for public preaching.  But unless you plan to launch a religious revival, it’s probably not going to be your cup of tea.  This is the image most of us have of evangelism.  Someone preaching in public to the masses (rest in peace, Billy Graham).  For most people, evangelism happens through interpersonal relationships.  The invitation to faith comes early in life and usually from a family member.
 
 
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
 
One of the fundamental questions the Bible attempts to answer is, “How can we all get along?”  In the book of Genesis, we quickly discover with the first family that it will not be easy for humans to get along.  Adam and Eve are examples of blame and shame while Cain and Able are examples of struggle and violence.  How will God and God’s people solve the human relationship condition?
 
In the Hebrew Bible, we see the development of laws and rules that attempt to answer this question.  The Bible identifies the problem as sin and sin has been historically interpreted through the lens of ethics and morality.  Laws and rules are handed down to motivate the people to do less bad stuff and more good stuff.  Laws and rules were designed to create healthy kin and non-kin relationships.
 
With laws and rules in place, the problem becomes the focus of discipleship.  Is discipleship a focus on how I observe the laws, or is it a focus on how others observe the laws?  Rabbi Ed Friedman addressed this paradox of living in community.  He described it as a paradox between a focus on self and a focus on others.  If one focuses only on others, then one becomes a no-self.  If one focuses only on self, then one becomes narcissistic.  While the narcissist obliterates others, the no-self has no core beliefs, no guiding principles, is mostly reactive to others, and is dangerous and out of control.  For Friedman, the answer to the paradox was in the middle: a self that is connected.  To know thyself is to have a relationship with God.  Knowing thyself shapes the way one behaves towards others.  But it is more than just being better connected and less selfish.   
 

 FROM PROHIBITION TO ISOLATION
  
Historically, the practice of evangelism has been caught up in heated debates over the prohibition of things and behaviors.  Abortion and Halloween are examples that come to mind.  The Deuteronomic code is another example.  For some people, evangelism involves communicating moral rules and laws designed to deter bad behavior within the context of a community or society.  There are problems inherent in this form of evangelism.
 
Some congregations and their leaders try to change the behavior of others.  In this way, they take responsibility for the behavior of others.  It becomes their mission to stop it.  It’s problematic because most people don’t want to be responsible for the behavior of others.  And most people don’t want someone telling them to be more responsible.  Just because you tell someone to be more accountable for their behavior doesn’t mean they will be more accountable.
 
The alternative (which is where most mainline congregations find themselves) is to give up and create distance from those who behave “badly."  Of course, there is the token effort to help the people who have made “bad” choices, but they are not invited to worship.  It gets even more interesting.  Some churches highlight specific laws in the Bible as “membership requirements.”  If you break one of these membership laws, you lose your membership.  Break a rule? You're banished.  In the worst cases, the banishment is announced publicly.  It's really religious isolationism.
 
When people isolate or distance from someone, they may be hoping to change the other person's behavior.  Parents discipline their toddler with a timeout.  In nature, some animals are shunned to elicit “right” behavior.  If you isolate the problematic person (or animal), the pain of isolation will create discomfort which can lead to a change in behavior.  We imprison and isolate individuals who are labeled a “risk” to the community hoping it will lead to a change in their behavior. 
 
The effort to prohibit and isolate bad behavior are at two ends of a continuum.  They are part of an emotional process.  Congregations can become stuck in an emotional process.  Congregational leaders may be aware of how evangelism is used by some people as an effort to tell other people what to do.   They're aware that this version of evangelism is unsuccessful and doesn’t work.  There will always be a few holdouts, though.  Like the man outside Union Station.  Equally problematic are people who justify isolating and distancing from someone while at the same time upholding the commandment by Jesus to love everyone.  Leaders feel stuck in this efforts to advance the evangelistic outreach of their congregation while at the same time avoiding these potholes of application.  They are under pressure to do something!  What can they do?
 
In response to the dramatic national decline in church membership, leaders feel the burden to grow their congregation and increase giving.  When the focus on evangelism is in response to a decline in membership and giving, it reveals the real problem.  Congregations are anxious about their future.  I’m reminded of the hymn: “What troubles have we seen, what mighty conflicts past, fightings without, and fears within, since we assembled last!”   When people are anxious, and there is tension in the relationship system, people typically respond in one of two ways: they either move towards others to control, or they distance themselves from others.  There is a third way, however.  Dr. Murray Bowen called it differentiation of self.
 
 
THE SOLUTION TO EVANGELISM: DIFFERENTIATION OF SELF
 
The modern family is not much different from the first family.  The challenge is the same:  how does one relate to challenging people (in a congregation or in a family) without telling the other what to do and without ignoring the other altogether?  One step is to discover that one cannot change the other, but one can change self.  This brings us back to the concept of the self.  To be a self is to be clear about what one believes without demanding others to agree or defending a belief in the face of dissent.  It is about maturity.  It is about, what is called in the Christian tradition, discipleship: working on one’s salvation (with or without fear and trembling, depending on your tradition).  Here we are on solid ground when it comes to evangelism. 
 
The effort to be the best possible version of self (to be all that God is calling you to be) is evangelistic.  It is attractive.  It is compelling to other people.  The irony for those who place a premium on evangelism is that at the very moment they reach out to make disciples of others, they do so at the expense of their discipleship.  The focus becomes on changing others and not on changing self.  The invitation to baptism in the Christian tradition is an invitation for one to profess their faith; to declare their desire to be a disciple.  When one works at discipleship, evangelism happens.  The greatest evangelists of all time where people who knew that working on being the best version of themselves (being all that God is calling them to be) is the way to reach other people.  It’s counter-intuitive, but it makes the most sense. 
 
So, instead of organizing an evangelism committee, consider starting a class geared towards the individual effort of developing core principles and beliefs; one or two beliefs one can be sure of more than anything else.  Invite participants to make daily decisions and relate to others in ways that are consistent with their core beliefs.  When is it easy to do?  When is it challenging?  What makes the difference?
 
If I’m right about the connection between discipleship and evangelism (that evangelism is the natural outcome of individual discipleship), then there would be a way to measure it.  In theory, as one works at defining a self while maintaining good contact with important others, the number of important contacts would grow.  One would be freer to relate to others out of a more mature self.  The individuals who put their focus on being the best version of themselves they can be are some of the most evangelical people I know.

 
I recently had a conversation with someone about self-regulation.  Self-regulation is the ability to control or adjust one’s functioning without depending on others.  One way to think about it is the capacity to regulate thoughts, feelings, and actions independent of others.  At infancy, bodily regulation is dependent on others, particularly the mother.  Fathers have some influence.  As we develop into adulthood, we decrease the dependency on others and increase the capacity to self-regulate.  No one ever makes it all the way!  We enter adulthood with a mix of both.  Dr. Murray Bowen developed this idea in his concept of differentiation of self.  You can read about it by clicking here.
 
The extent to which any one of us can self-regulate is connected to a couple of factors.  These factors include the capacity of the parents to self-regulate, the amount of tension in the family during a child’s development, the level of anxiety in the family, and the way previous generations managed tension and anxiety.  Adult children leave the family with more or less the same capacity to self-regulate as parents.  Some do a little bit better, some do a little bit worse.  But it’s roughly the same.
 
When adult children leave the family to start a new one, they hook up with someone who has a similar capacity to self-regulate.  Whatever dependency is leftover from the family of origin will be managed in this new relationship through a process of reciprocity.  For example, one spouse may be vulnerable to health problems while the other spouse is consistently healthy.  I had someone tell me, after the death of their spouse, that they were surprised to discover how their overall health had improved.  In the marriage, they were always sick, and the other was always healthy.  Now that the spouse was gone, their general health was improving. 
 
Individual models dominate most approaches to improving functioning.  People work at doing better as if it’s completely about them.  New Year’s is coming up.  Resolutions are usually about doing a better job of self-regulating.  “I’m going to lose weight.”  “I’m going to learn to play the cello.”  “I’m going to read more novels.”  These resolutions represent efforts to self-regulate behavior.  But without an understanding of the family emotional process, people generally fail in their individually focused efforts.  The challenges we face to regulate ourselves are remnants (the stuff leftover) from our childhood.  It represents our dependency on others to function.  The challenge is to finish the unfinished work of growing up. 
 
There is a natural developmental process of staying focused on what is important to self.  This process of staying focused is disrupted to a greater and lesser degree by the amount of tension and anxiety in the family.  As the level of anxiety in the family increases, the force of togetherness pulls individuals away from self-regulation towards the family which operates as one emotional unit.  It’s not unusually for people to miss this.  It’s automatic.  The phrase that best describes this process is learning to “catch yourself.”  It’s difficult to do, to be sure!  Most people can identify it happens after the fact.  So, how can we learn to catch ourselves earlier in the process?
 
Learning to catch oneself requires what I call the three C’s: clear, calm, and connected.  The first “C” is about being clear about how the family emotional process influences individual functioning.  Sometimes it’s simply an awareness that there is a process and then “seeing” it at work.  The second “C” is about staying calmer than everyone else in the family to observe the family emotional process and how it impacts each person in the family.  The third “C” is about getting connected with everyone in the family.  You can only observe this process if you are connected to everyone else.  
 
Beyond these three steps, there are no specific techniques.  It is a learn-as-you-go process.  A coach who is a good thinker can make a big difference.  Being curious, inquisitive, observational, interested, motivated, and organized can all contribute to this process of catching oneself, and lead one to doing a better job of self-regulating.  The effort to pay attention to one’s functioning while at the same time observing the functioning of others can lead to better self-regulation.  In my experience, as one works on observing the family emotional process, one can catch oneself sooner with practice.

 
Committees function at different levels.  Higher functioning committees focus on goals, are open to ongoing evaluation, and continually strive to do better.  They are energized by the work they do and regularly celebrate their accomplishments. 
 
Lower functioning committees blame others when they face a challenge.  They waste multiple meetings talking about the same issues without making progress.  They have inadequate motivation and complain about the work they do.
 
For clergy, working with a lower functioning committee is challenging.  One way to change the functional level of a committee is to nominate individuals who function at a higher level.  Ideally, leaders are selected because of their skills, abilities, and experience in a particular area of ministry.  They are also selected for their motivation and a willingness to do the work.  However, in some congregations, the election of leaders is driven by the emotional process of the relationship system and not by the collective mission and vision of the congregation.
 
Good thinking is required to have a successful committee.  And good thinking emerges from good questions.  Good questions flow out of one’s effort to step back, reflect, observe, and discover new things.  The thinking that is generated from good questions disrupts the automatic, reactive responses of the emotional system.   
 
Questions for consideration:
 

1. How invested are you in the work of the committee?
2. Is the work of the committee important to you?
3. What interests you in the work of the committee?
4. How would you describe your commitment to the committee?
5. How aware are you of the reasons each person is on the committee?
6. What strength does each person bring to the committee?
7. What strength do you bring?
8. What do you think are the best ways for the committee to organize itself?
9. What does each person on the committee think are the best ways to organize the committee?
10. What do you think are the most important issues to focus on?
11. What does each person on the committee think are the most important issues to focus on?

 
My favorite example of a high functioning committee is from a movie.
 
“Of Gods and Men is a 2010 French drama film directed by Xavier Beauvois, starring Lambert Wilson and Michael Lonsdale. Its original French language title is Des hommes et des dieux, which means "Of Men and of Gods" and refers to a verse from the Bible shown at the beginning of the film. It centers on the monastery of Tibhirine, where nine Trappist monks lived in harmony with the largely Muslim population of Algeria, until seven of them were kidnapped and assassinated in 1996 during the Algerian Civil War.” (Wikipedia Movie Page)
 
The monks must discern whether to stay in Tibhirine.  Do they continue to care for the people living there and risk being killed, or flee for their own safety?  Their process for discernment is compelling.  The monks meet once a week at a table.  Each monk is given time to articulate their thoughts about staying or leaving.  At first, there is disagreement.  The meeting ends and the monks return to their daily and weekly routines (which are mostly done in silence).  This is their individual time to think, reflect, observe, and discover.  The following week they gather again at the table and again articulate their thoughts about staying or leaving.  And again, they return to their daily and weekly routines.  This process continues for several weeks.  There is time to discuss and time to think.  Ultimately, after several weeks, the decision is made to stay.  
 
This pattern of engagement and solitude provided a structure to reduce the automatic reactivity from fear and anxiety.  Too often, when it comes to making important decisions, some committee members are more vocal while others remain silent.  Inviting each person to articulate their thinking about an issue is essential.  So is spending time apart to reflect, think, observe, and discover. 
 
The committees in your congregation are probably not working on life and death decisions, although, at times, it may feel like it.  Doing important work, what Dr. Murray Bowen called differentiation of self, is one way to overcome fear and do what’s in the best interest of the mission and vision of the congregation.

 
71,450: the number of words I published over the last twelve months.  71,450 words!  I seriously couldn’t believe it.  Henry David Thoreau’s “Walden” had 114,634.  So close, and yet so far away.
 
Now, I know what you are thinking.  John, when do you think you’ll receive your Pulitzer?  If only it were a quantitative exercise!  I’m not aware of any prizes for blog posts.  I checked.  My Google returns included “how to give prizes away using a blog post.”  I have no interest in giving away prizes.  Sorry.
 
I decided to spend this first blog post of a new blog year (that’s not actually an official thing) writing a reflection on what I’ve learned and perhaps what I still need to learn.
 
 
Lesson #1
 
I’ve learned that I’m ready to write a book.  I’ve dreamed of writing a book since I was young.  The problem has always been me.  I was never a solid writer.  And by solid, I mean disciplined.  I’ve learned the importance of being disciplined through a consistent effort and focus.  I’ve learned that self-discipline pays off.  I talk more about this in Lesson #4. 
 
My discipline includes getting up early every morning to write.  And for the most part, I was faithful.  It helped me gain a level of confidence in my ability to brainstorm, write, and edit.  And while I’m still developing and growing, the dream of writing books is, in my mind, a possibility.  Stay tuned to learn more about the book idea.
 
 
Lesson #2
 
If you really want to force yourself to learn something, spend a year writing about it.  I’m clearer in my understanding of Bowen Theory and its application. I was not able to see a year ago the things I see now. For example, I see now that we cannot solve issues in the broader relationship systems of government, communities, and congregations until leaders are willing to work on differentiation of self in their own family.  The finger pointing, name calling, blaming, and the rest of the subjective thinking that people participate in reflects a level of cutoff in the family.  The inability of leaders to sit down at a table and create a compromise rooted in collaboration mirrors the struggles of their own families.  If you can’t sit down with your family (and the extended family) to work out problems, you sure aren’t going to be able to do it in other relationship systems! (See, this last sentence is a good example of why I need to be more disciplined in my writing.)
 
 
Lesson #3
 
I have no idea what makes a blog popular.  #Truth.  I thought it was the number of words.  That didn’t hold up.  I took a blogging class that recommended using catchy titles.  That didn’t seem to work either.  I propose that my most popular blog posts were just clearer and represented my best thinking.  So, here is a list of the ones that were “off the charts” so to speak.
 
Welcome to Thinking Congregations
This was my first blog post (which I reposted last week).  People were excited and interested to see what I was up to.  For the next four months, my readership tanked.  Not a joke.  It was sort of depressing.  But I kept pushing forward.  I’m not going to lie; the words of encouragement were helpful.  Plus, I decided I’d give it a year.  So, I pressed on.
 
How to Decide to Be a Sanctuary Congregation
Congregations are not only divided about becoming a sanctuary congregation, they don’t know how to engage in a conversation about it that isn’t polarizing.  Several of you shared that this post was helpful.
 
6 Things to Consider Before Taking a Stand
This was an attempt to use a creative title (from that one blog class I took), which appeared to work at first.  It was also the first blog post to include a picture of me from a family trip to the Pacific Coast.  For whatever reasons, it was a popular blog.
 
And the most popular post was:
 
Are We Regressing?
I originally published this on November 13, 2016, and it immediately doubled my readership.  People read it and shared it all over the world.  I wrote it just after the election, about the tenor of the country.  It was very popular.  I reposted it later in the year with the same results.  It seemed to connect with all of you in important ways, particularly those of you who think about Bowen Theory and our society.
 
 
Lesson #4
 
What goes into an effort to write a blog?  Writing, like many any other activities, can be an effort for self.  While others may participate in the editing process, the hard work of writing requires self-discipline.  Inherent in this effort is the ability to depend less on the motivation of others, to identify an internal drive, and to manage one’s reaction to the reactivity of others. 
 
First, becoming less motivated by others.  While encouragement is useful at times, it has its limits.  Anyone with children knows that, while initially, it may be fun to motivate a child to do a new activity, it quickly grows old if the parent continually motivates a child to perform routine behaviors.  We may be unaware of how much we depend on the motivation of others or how others rely on our motivation.  Yesterday at the gym I watched a very large father struggle to motivate his very large son to use the gym equipment.  Motivation is best when it comes from within.
 
Second, identifying an internal drive.  I don’t know where it comes from in the brain, this internal driver that gives us the life energy to push forward.  I think our options in life are to focus our attention on others, focus our attention on ourselves, or find a way to do both without impinging either.
 
Third, managing one’s reaction to the reactivity of others.  Whenever one attempts to do an activity that is more about the self, the relationship system always responds.  It’s designed to do this because it is sensitive to the emotional attention it receives from others.  If you redirect your emotional attention away from the family and towards the self, the family takes notice and will often disapprove in the form of interruptions, being needier, drawing attention, etc.
 
 
One Final Note
 
It took me several years to get to a place of consistently writing every day.  This from a person who was always last minute in writing that college paper, or seminary thesis, or that monthly church newsletter article from the pastor!  I was always motivated by the negative implications of being late.  But this blog is different.  What changed?
 
I changed.  It’s taken time, but I’ve changed.  It was a slow process that went something like this:

• It began with the realization (thanks to Bowen Theory) that all families function as an emotional unit with each person playing a part.
• Anxiety is real, not inside a person’s head, but in between people and the ways they relate to each another.  The summation of the interactions in a given family is the emotional process.
• People, in general, have limited awareness that most of our behavior is driven by reactivity to anxiety, and the way anxiety is played out in the behavior of others.
• I began to see how this was playing out in the family.
• At first, I could only see how others were participating in it.  I was not able to see my part.
• I began to research my family history, with an effort to understand the emotional process that has been passed down from generation to generation.
• Over time I discovered that the way I function is rooted in the automatic behaviors that were passed down from one generation to the next.  I saw patterns.
• I began to see my part in the patterns of the family emotional process.
• I started to take responsibility for my behavior.  Disrupting my automatic tendencies.  Pushing forward with efforts rooted in differentiation.
• I started to think about life principles, core values, beliefs, and goals.
• I worked to stay focused on my life principles, core values, beliefs, and goals while at the same time staying connected to the family.  I worked not to let my effort disrupt my relationship with others and not to let my relationship with others disrupt my life direction.
• I continue to discover as much of this as I can in every aspect of my life. 

 
It has been a seventeen-year journey resulting last year in the creation of Thinking Congregations.  There is still so much to learn and discover about myself, my family, the human as a species, natural systems, and faith.  I now see clearly the challenges that are inherent in this endeavor.  But I also see the enormous possibilities.  There is so much exciting territory that is yet to be explored and discovered!  For those who are willing to pick up this effort, you will not be disappointed!