Each week I write a blog to try and make the case that leadership training for congregations is based on the wrong research.  Congregational development is not about training leaders to redevelop the mission, vision and programs of a congregation.  Congregational development must be about training leaders to navigate emotional process within the context of relationship systems.
 
Congregations are facing an enormous number of problems and challenges.  These problems and challenges raise the level of anxiety in the relationship system of a congregation.  As anxiety goes up, leaders who can manage their anxiety and reactivity do better in engaging the hopes, dreams and assets of a congregation.  Likewise, leaders who are less anxious in the face of problems and challenges do a better job of communicating a vision for the future.  Intense conflict emerges when leaders are unaware and unable to manage their reactivity.  As the congregation responds to the vibrations of anxiety in the pastor and as the pastor responds to the vibrations of anxiety in the congregation, tension within the relationship system increase.  So, where does one learn their automatic reactions to anxiety?  We learn it from the family.

What one learns in their family is the extent to which one can be an individual and the extent to which one is part of a family.  Dr. Bowen described it as the force for individuality (differentiation of self) and togetherness.  If individuals and families are tilted towards more togetherness, it will be more difficult for them to manage their anxiety and reactivity.  If anxiety is vibrating too much in the family, the togetherness force will motivated someone to take control.  If it gets to high, someone will walk away.  Congregations, like families, also react predictably to the vibrations of increased anxiety.  This then is the challenge for all congregational leaders: how does one articulate their thinking without trying to control others or walk away and give in?   Researching one’s family system is the key.
 
For anyone motivated to do family research, I recommend the new book by Victoria Harrison, The Family Diagram & Family Research: an illustrative guide to tools for working on differentiation of self in one’s family.  It is “a guide for people motivated to develop and use their own family diagram to observe, abstract, see, and better think about the facts and factors operating in their family.”  You can find the book by clicking here.

One’s family is the best place to do research on being a better leader.  This is not about going back in time or going back to resolve past problems.  It is about learning to relate differently in the present as one works on differentiation of self.  It’s not about correcting wrongs or making things right.  It is about being a self that is connected in important ways to important others.  A good coach can make a difference in one’s effort to relate better to important others.  Bowen Theory can be a useful guide for one’s thinking as one journeys down this road of differentiation.  A good place to begin is with family research.

Why is goal setting so complicated?  It really boils down to three easy steps:

• Identify what you want to work on.
• Be clear about your starting point.
• Create a map (action plan) to get you from where you are to where you want to go.

 
Simple, right?  Hardly!  We can quickly lose hope in our ability to accomplish a goal.  Every year I think to myself, “This year, I’m really going to accomplish all of my goals!  This year will be different.”  It wasn’t until I learned about the influence of the family on each individual in the family that I began to understand what it really takes to accomplish a goal. 
 
What makes it difficult to stay on track with one’s goals is the pushes and pulls of the force for togetherness that vibrates as anxiety goes up.  People do what’s automatic in response to an increase in anxiety.  As tension increases, some people overfunction by controlling others.  Some people underfunction by distancing.  These automatic, reactive responses are the basic fight, flight and freeze responses of the nervous system. 
 
Here’s one example of how it works.  Let’s say your goal is to spend an hour every day reading.  You make a list of the books you want to read and you set aside in your calendar an hour every day.  You tell your friends, family and coworkers that you do not want to be interrupted during this one hour.  Everything initially goes well until there is a  “Knock, Knock” on the door.  Or a “Ring, Ring” on the cell phone.  Someone needs your help right now!  It can’t wait.  These interruptions occur right before or during your scheduled reading time.  You start to vibrate with anxiety.  You feel compelled to help because you fear that if you don’t there will be consequences.  But you don’t really want to help because this hour you have set aside is important to you.  You feel stuck. 
 
This is just one example of how anxiety and the fusion in a relationship system can disrupt one’s effort to set a goal and work on differentiation of self.  Because it is reactive to anxiety, the relationship system automatically pushes and pulls people off of their individual focus.  Differentiation of self provides a way to think about this problem. 
 
I host an annual goal setting retreat.  During the retreat participants learn how to plan for the predictable ways families and congregations unconsciously try to disrupt one’s efforts to accomplish goals.  If you’d like to learn more about the retreat, click on this link to read about the opportunity and to register.  Space is limited so don’t delay.  

What influences human behavior?  And why is there so much variation?  Is it biology or culture?  We are born with biological systems (circulatory, digestive, endocrine, exocrine, immune, lymphatic, muscular, nervous, reproduction, respiration, skeletal, and excretory) that are authored by DNA and were set in motion a long time ago.  Culture includes things like psychological framework, perceptions, beliefs, language, biases, and rituals.  DNA is transcribed through a biological process.  Culture is transmitted through a relationship system.  The interplay of biology and culture materializes in the epigenome where DNA is regulated in response to an ever-changing culture.  These epigenetic changes are passed on from one generation to the next.  What exactly is being passed along in this mix of biology and culture?  It is the collective ability of the human to adapt and be flexible in the face of challenges.
 
Dr. Murray Bowen’s concept of the family emotional process includes the basic life forces of togetherness and separateness (individuality).  The togetherness force in the family, and in larger relationship systems, shapes the culture.  The force for togetherness moves people to participate in the family and larger group experiences (culture) through common feelings, thinking, and behavior.  Bowen observed that as anxiety increases in the family unit, the force for togetherness also increases.  In response to this increase, there are two predictable reactions.  One reaction is the rebellious response which pushes back against the family.  It can include the refusal to participate in the cultural ethos.  Others respond by doubling down to demand, from within the family and the broader culture, more adherence to cultural expression.  These reactions to increases in anxiety are automatic which means there is a biological component.  
 
Congregations of different faiths have been struggling with the cultural push back against organized religion. It is possible that the cultural shifts that have led to a decline in religious expression and an increase in cases of isolation may have something to do with the interplay of biology and culture.  As humans adapt to a changing environment, current cultural expressions of beliefs and practices are no longer serving the purpose of adaption.  In other words, the current demands on human biology are leading to new adaptive ways of thinking and believing which are leading to a change in cultural expression.  So, a new way of thinking (a shift in beliefs and culture) is needed if humans are to move forward.  This is the current struggle facing religion.
 
Must we give up all religious beliefs and practices?  That’s hardly the case when you consider how useful some beliefs and practices have been to billions of people over thousands of generations.  However, belief and practices need to continue to adapt and shift just as they have for thousands of generations.  People are hungry for a redefining of culture and cultural expression.  Congregations are looking for ways to redefine beliefs and religious expressions.  They are looking for a system of beliefs and practices that are useful to the challenges people are facing.  This is an adaptive process this is both biological and cultural.  Congregations who are examining the challenges they face are engaging new, creative practices that will eventually rewrite our cultural narrative, and impact our biology all the way down to our DNA for generations to come.  No one has figure it out, although it is certainly not from a lack of effort.  The answer will one day explode onto the cultural scene.  How is your faith community adapting and developing beliefs and practices that help individuals and families adapt to change?

If you lead a volunteer organization, your biggest challenge is not money.  Your biggest challenge is finding motivated volunteers.  And by motivated, I mean motivated to be responsible. 
 
Congregations are structured by committees.  Committees are lead by volunteers who support the mission of the organization.  But not every volunteer is motivated to do the work.  So, congregations are often a mix of committees where some function at a higher level while others struggle to accomplish their objectives.  What makes the difference?  It is the motivation of the volunteers. 
 
There are basically three ways people develop motivation.  The first two are about external motivating factors.  We all find motivation and inspiration from other people.  People who are charismatic can often motivate the unmotivated.  This is why charismatic leaders are so popular.  The second way people are motivated is when they become uncomfortable with the way things are.  If one is uncomfortable with the direction (or lack thereof) of an organization, they become motivated to make things better.  Like the first example, this is an external motivator because the motivation is based on a perceived assessment of the organization. 
 
Dr. Murray Bowen observed this external process of motivation in the family.  He described it as an over/under reciprocity or over/under reciprocal functioning.  The basic idea is that behavior occurs reciprocally in a relationship system or emotional unit (like the family).  Bowen observed that one spouse will overfunction, and the other spouse lets them overfunction.  The more one does for the other, the less the other does for them self.  These same patterns are extended to other relationship systems.  If one’s tendency is to underfunction in the family, they will more than likely bring this same pattern to the congregation.  If a leader underfunctions on a committee, others on the committee may find themselves taking on more responsibility (doing the things that leader can do).  If a leader overfunctions in the family, in the committee they may take on more responsibility than is needed. 
 
It’s helpful to note that anxiety drives this reciprocal process of over/underfunctioning.  As one becomes consumed with worry and fear, other picks up the anxiety and each person shifts into doing either more or less.  The reactivity to anxiety to do more or do less is the product of a multigenerational family emotional process.  In a way, one learns these patterns from one’s family of origin over the generations.  The reactivity is automatic in the sense that very little thinking and awareness go into this response.  It just happens.
 
The third example of motivation is what Dr. Bowen identified in the concept of differentiation of self.  When an individual is clear about core principles and a life direction, they are motivated to do the work.  It is an internal motivation because it comes from within the self.  This type of motivation is not determined by the motivation (or lack of motivation) of others but instead is based on a clear understanding of one’s beliefs and direction.  The focus of this type of motivation is less on others and more on self.  However, it is not selfish.  In fact, this type of motivation enables one to be more available to others. 
 
In congregations, some people use the word motivation and calling interchangeably.  To find motivation is to rediscover one’s calling into ministry.  Again, one's “calling” can be caught up in the reciprocal back and forth process of the relationship system.  One might feel called in response to what others are doing or not doing.  A true calling is something one pursues with or without others.  Leadership can be lonely.
 
When an organization is full of motivated people, the work they do together is less complicated.  When I think back on the many years my kids played soccer, it was easy to tell which kids were motivated to play.  The motivated kids excelled and were able to step up when challenged.  Less motivated kids depended more on the coach.  They did not excel as quickly.  A good coach can tell which players are motivated and then knows how to both motivated and train their players.  In a congregation, a pastor can tell who is motivated and who needs to be motivated.
 
The congregation I serve created a new process to identify motivated leaders.  If someone is interested in serving on the top leadership team, they must go through an application process.  Applicants fill out a form and provide written answers to questions.  The questions are designed to help an applicant reflect on their motivation for serving, consider their gifts and talents, and discern if they are called to be on the leadership team.  Once the application is completed, applicants are then interviewed. 
 
For many years, the process of filling a volunteer leadership position in the church was accomplished by externally motivating people to serve.  It’s sometimes referred to as arm twisting.  The result often left unmotivated individuals sitting in positions of responsibility accomplishing very little.  This new process addresses the problems with motivation.  Is this person applying for a leadership position because the congregation needs someone in that position or because the individual is self-motivated to do the work?  And if they are motivated, is it because the work is important to them or because they are anxious and worried about the organization?  The answers to these questions can have different outcomes.
 
The ideal candidate for a volunteer position in the church is someone whose personal goals, beliefs, and life direction is in line with the congregation's goals, beliefs and direction.  There may be differences over the details.  But in general, what is important to the individual is important to the congregation.  In this way, the calling (and motivation) of the individual supersedes the needs of the organization.  The individual will pursue what motivates them whether the congregation accepts them as a volunteer or not.  One could make the case that a thriving congregation is simply a collection of individuals who are self-motivated to pursue their calling in life.  And to that, I say Alleluia!  Amen!

I wrote this blog in the hope that I might clarify for myself what a discipleship program looks like in a higher functioning congregation.  In the Christian church, a discipleship program is a process by which a congregation teaches children and adults the shared beliefs and values of the congregation.  This blog took several twists over the last few weeks as I thought about discipleship.  What I’m publishing here for you is not a conclusion but my reflections on the intersection of beliefs and relationships.  There is more to think about, and I will more than likely keep writing about it.  It’s worth a closer look.
 
All congregations, regardless of their faith expression, provide religious education.  The shared beliefs and values of the congregation are passed on to children and adults.  From within this educational system, leaders emerge who teach and train other children and adults the shared beliefs and values of the congregation.  This process works well until individuals question these shared beliefs and values or promote ones that are contrary.
 
For congregations that promote independent and critical thinking, there is an inherent risk that such an effort may create problems for the congregation.  As leaders grapple with this dilemma of how flexible they will be in the face of different beliefs or values, they may become stuck in an emotional process. 
 
If you have ever tried to hold a belief that is contrary to the congregation you belong to, you have probably experienced this emotional process.  You can “feel” the tension that is created both internally as one grapples with separating thoughts from feelings, and externally as one tries to navigate the relationship system while holding beliefs that are different than the shared beliefs of the congregation.  There is wide variation in the flexibility of congregations to think differently about certain beliefs while staying connected.
 
Dr. Murray Bowen described what he observed as a life force for togetherness that is common among all humans and all of life.  It is a counter-balancing force to individuality which is the effort to think, feel and act for oneself.  The force for togetherness disrupts this effort in favor of fusing together the thinking, feelings and actions of the group (in this case a congregation but also includes the family).
 
The extent to which a congregation can be at ease with variation in beliefs among congregants is dependent on, among other things, the level of chronic anxiety in the congregation.  The higher the level of anxiety, the more likely there will be demands for everyone to agree with what I’m calling shared beliefs.  At this elevated level, there is little room for disagreement.  People’s thinking becomes fused.  When leaders insist that everyone think the same way about God and issues of faith, it’s a good indicator of the level of tension in the congregation and the chronic level of anxiety among leaders.  Families (of which congregations are a conglomerate of) also experience this phenomenon. 
 
It is true that shared beliefs define a congregation.  Even congregations that participate in interfaith opportunities have shared beliefs about interfaith experiences.  So, to some extent, there is no escaping the need for shared beliefs.  They serve a functional purpose for humans. 
 
The assumption, though, that society will collapse into chaos if people believe and value whatever they want is false.  It is a byproduct of anxiety.  It is an incomplete understanding of the process of being a good thinker.  Supporting an individual’s effort to define and clarify their beliefs does not spur debate, conflict and schism.  Societal problems are not caused by “free thinkers.”  Societal problems are the result of an over-insistence (an anxious focus) that everyone think the same way.  The more congregational leaders demand compliance on specific beliefs and issues of faith, the more revved up and anxious the congregation becomes and vice versa.  It can also work the other way.  Take for example political coalition building.  Bringing together people who think differently can be an anxious process. 
 
The history of humanity is littered with examples of the struggle to either insist that everyone believe the same thing or everyone believing whatever they want.  If leaders strongly insist that everyone believe the same way, then people react and demand freedom.  If leaders strongly encourage independent beliefs and values, then people clamor for shared beliefs and values.   
 
So, what does any of this have to do with discipleship?
 
My original intent for this blog was to consider what a robust discipleship program might look like.  For now, I believe a robust discipleship program takes into consideration the following:
 
First, beliefs are inherently caught up in a relationship process.  The work of clarifying core beliefs and principles requires an understanding of emotional process.  As fear increases, there is a greater demand on individuals in a relationship system to feel, think and act the same way. 
 
Second, it is possible to hold a core belief and engage others who think differently without conflict, debate, and schism.  This can happen to the extent an individual works on differentiation of self.  When one is working to develop core beliefs and principles one inevitably bumps up against the reactivity in the relationship system.  This becomes an opportunity to be both separate and connected, a fundamental aspect of Bowen’s concept of differentiation.  Beliefs are not what bring us together.  Beliefs are what enable us to be together. 
 
I hope one day to design a class (sooner than later) that will invite individuals to work on defining their beliefs.  Such a class will encourage thinking about the following questions:

• Where did a specific belief come from?  Self?  Others?
• When was the belief adopted?
• How does the belief serve one well?
• When was one unable to live out the belief?

 
This effort begins with leaders who are good thinkers.  Clergy find opportunities through preaching, teaching and conversations to define and clarify their beliefs.  At the same time, they invite others to define and clarify their beliefs.  How might leaders encourage themselves and others to work on clarifying beliefs? 
 
A marker of progress in this effort is the ability to articulate a belief without feeling compelled to defend or attack others with their belief.  A clearly defined belief helps one navigate the problems of life by providing room for flexibility and adaptability as one responds to new challenges.
 
Dr. Bowen envisioned the theoretical characteristics of a “differentiated” person when he wrote:
 
These are principle-oriented, goal directed people who have many of the qualities that have been called "inner directed." They begin "growing away" from their parents in infancy. They are always sure of their beliefs and convictions but are never dogmatic or fixed in thinking. They can hear and evaluate the viewpoints of others and discard old beliefs in favor of new. They are sufficiently secure with themselves that functioning is not affected by either praise or criticism from others. They can respect the self in the identity of another without becoming critical or becoming emotionally involved in trying to modify the life course of another. They assume total responsibility for self and are sure of their responsibility for family and society. There are realistically aware of their dependency on their fellow man. With the ability to keep emotional functioning contained within the boundaries of self, they are free to move about in any relationship system and engage in a whole spectrum of intense relationships without a "need" for the other that can impair functioning. The "other" in such a relationship does not feel "used."   Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, Page 164
 
What are the benefits and challenges of developing a discipleship program that encourages and models differentiation of self?

 
Why do people join your congregation?  Is it because of the relationships they’ve developed?  Or is it because of the shared beliefs of the congregation?  You may have an easy answer to these questions, but the answer is anything but easy to understand. 
 
The shared beliefs of a congregation are a significant reason why people become members.  I’ve had people tell me the reasons they like or dislike a congregation is because of the shared beliefs of the congregation.  Shared beliefs can be about anything: creation, how God works in the world, the authority of scripture, human sexuality, or positions on social justice.  I was asked to pastor a congregation where there were significant differences between their shared beliefs and my own beliefs.  I questioned whether I would be a good fit.  Beliefs matter and play a role in the decision to join a congregation.  But here is where it gets complicated.
 
The relationships we form in a congregation determine our level of participation.  Consider the committed leaders in your congregation.  Without having knowledge of them, I can predict they are deeply connected to the people in your congregation.  In other words, the congregation IS their primary friendship network.  A commitment to membership is determined by one’s ability to create meaningful friendships.  Members become friends with members.  And here is where we move beyond complicated to confusing. 
 
When I ask someone the question, “Think about the last time you consider leaving a congregation.  Was it because of the way people were behaving or because of a belief the congregation adopted or failed to adopt?”  Typically, the answer is both!  Or, if I ask the question, “If your closest friends decide to leave the congregation, do you stay or go?”, it’s difficult for people to answer.  Most of the time the answer is, “It depends.”  That’s because beliefs and relationships influence our decisions.  So, while we’d like to think the reason people join a congregation is because of shared beliefs, the reality is much more complicated.  In my tradition, the United Methodist Church, belonging precedes believing.  You don’t have to agree to a specific set of doctrines or creeds to participate.
 
When I consider my life journey from a conservative theological position to one that is progressive, I remember specific people who shaped my thinking.  I'd like to believe that it was their thinking and ideas that influenced me, but I know my relationship with them played an important role.  To be sure, it was their stories and narratives that had the greatest impact on me.  Stories and narratives are relationship builders.  Language is symbolic and registers at an emotional level.  Our beliefs often spring forth from stories and encounters which are first and foremost about relationships.  So, do you still "believe" that membership is mostly about beliefs? 
 
Just one more example of how relationships play a significant role in determining membership.  Critical mass impacts attendance and membership.  Congregational leaders know this.  It is easier to draw people to a sanctuary that is 80% full than to a sanctuary that is 10% full.  The more people you have filling the worship space, the easier it is to attract new people.  Beliefs do matter, but at the end of the day, people make the difference.
 
And now the final point that moves this conversation from confusing to a conundrum.  There is a growing segment of the population that is willing to end a long-term relationship over differences in beliefs.  As the population becomes increasingly polarized, it’s a challenge for people to relate to each other while believing different things.  I would argue that this has less to do with specific belief and more to do with the challenges of relationships.  It’s not the specific beliefs that are polarizing.  People struggle to remain in the relationship despite the differences.  Indeed, if it were truly about beliefs, we would actually be in a much better place as a country.  For myself, when I’m solid in my understanding of a belief I have less of a need to defend the belief when challenged or to require agreement from others when there is disagreement.
 
My hunch is that in today’s climate of polarization, congregations would do better to support their members to develop individual core beliefs and guiding principles.  Individuals are in a better position to relate to others when they are clearer about what they believe and how they think about the world and their relationship with God.  It's less about shared beliefs, and more about clarity of beliefs.  

The conundrum is that while most congregational leaders think people join because of the shared beliefs of the congregation, the truth is that it is more about the relationship system.  The challenge becomes supporting individual efforts to clarify and articulate core beliefs and guiding principles without losing members over disagreement.
 
Dr. Murray Bowen described the relationship process as part of the force for togetherness and the effort to have clear beliefs and guiding principles as part of the force for togetherness. He said it this way:
 
“A critical index of the functioning of an emotional system is the balance of the togetherness-individuality forces. The two forces exactly balance each other.  In a period of calm, the two forces operate as a friendly team, largely out of sight. . . . Any emotional system has an amount of togetherness, and a reciprocal amount of individuality, which constitute a life style or “norm” for that group.  Optimum functioning would be somewhere near a fifty-fifty balance, with neither force overriding the other and the system sufficiently flexible to adapt to change.”  Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, page 277.
 
As you make plans to grow your congregation, consider that membership is a 50/50 balance between a relationship process and beliefs (togetherness and individuality).  How can a congregation welcome new people with a balanced approach to cultivating both relationships and beliefs?  What beliefs are current members using as a resource to their functioning?  For current members, specifically those who articulate a positive congregational experience, how many connections (relationships) do they have in the congregation?  Do member who report a positive experience with the congregation place a larger emphasis on the relationships they have or the work they are doing on clarifying their beliefs?  What opportunities are available for individuals to develop relationships with other members?  What opportunities are available for individuals to clarify their core beliefs and guiding principles?
 
What questions come to mind as you consider membership in your congregation?

Clergy develop and deliver roughly fifty-two sermons (fifteen to thirty minutes in length) year after year.  National surveys typically rank preaching as the number one reason people attend a congregation.  So, the pressure is on, and clergy know it. 
 
Effective preaching is both skillful and artistic.  The context of preaching is the community.  Without an awareness of the underlying relationship system of a community, the skill and artistry are lost in an emotional process.  Therefore, the three keys to effective preaching are:

1. Effective preaching is based on core principles, values and beliefs.
2. Effective preachers stay in good emotional contact with their members especially members who don't agree with their preacher or when the preacher disagrees with their members.
3. Effective preachers work on self-regulation.

 
Most clergy make use of online and printed resources to prepare their sermons.  If clergy approach the process of developing a sermon with a clear set of principles, values and beliefs then a good resource can spur the preacher’s thinking.  Sometimes preachers use a resource to find specific content for their sermon.  But some use a resource as a substitute for thinking and may end up preaching someone else’s sermon.    
 
How a preacher makes use of a resource is connected to their level of clarity about core principles, values and beliefs.  Preachers become clear by sifting through their core principles, values and beliefs to determine which ones represent their best thinking and which ones represent the thinking of other people.  The core principles, values and beliefs that are sifted out from this process become the basis for the preacher's preaching.  I’ve come to a place in my preaching where I know when I’m preaching a sermon based on my thinking and when I’m preaching a sermon based on the thinking of others.  There is a notable difference.  And given the feedback I’ve received from congregants over the years, I know the congregation can tell the difference as well.  There is a difference in the way ideas are communicated when they come from self and when ideas are coming from someone else.
 
As congregations and the larger society become increasingly polarized, preachers are preaching to congregations that are divided over major issues.  In my tradition, the United Methodist Church, on any given Sunday my preaching will resonate with some and conflict with others.  Some will experience a sermon as supportive and encouraging and feel a connection to the preacher.  Some will experience a sermon as challenging and feel at odds with the preacher.  An awareness of this underlying relationship process can be useful to a preacher. 
 
The challenge for today’s preachers is developing the capacity to articulate a solid belief without perpetuating an already present polarization.  Preachers are at their best when they preach a sermon based on core principles, values and beliefs without permanently disrupting the relationships in the congregation.  It requires an effort of staying in good emotional contact with members or key leaders (depending on the size of the congregation) when they disagree with you, or when you disagree with them.  The opposite is also true that a strong, positive togetherness between the preacher and congregation can make it difficult for the preacher to articulate their core principles, values and beliefs. 
 
The best way to manage tension in the relationship system is to do a better job of managing self.  Self-regulation is at the heart of Dr. Murray Bowen’s concept of differentiation of self.  The forces for togetherness and individuality creates tension in the relationship system.  As people move away from or closer to others, anxiety goes up and down.  This process of managing anxiety by moving towards some or away from others at an emotional level can influence what a preacher says, does and feels.
 
During the development of a sermon, preachers are likely to experience their own worry and fears about what might happen if they actually preach what they are thinking.  An internal debate ensues about what to say, how to say it and what the consequences might be.  It’s not the case that preachers should always say whatever they are thinking.  What leads to more effective preaching is an awareness of the emotional process in the relationship system.  
 
The ideal place to become aware of the emotional process is in one’s family of origin.  There, one can begin to “see” the process of individuality and togetherness, and anxiety and tension in the system.  The more I work at this in my family, the more courage I have in my preaching.  The extent to which preaching has improved my ability to define a self in my family of origin is also worth consideration.
 
Here are some ideas to think about as you prepare to preach:

• What ideas are you clear about?  What questions do you have?  
• Present your thinking without the need for others to agree.
• Present your thinking without being defensive.
• Always consider how your congregation will respond.  Who will react to your thinking?  How will they react?  What will you say or do without reacting back? 
• Develop a plan for relating to with those who react negatively and positively to your thinking.
• If you greet people after the service, what does it look like to be emotionally neutral towards those who react negatively or positively? 
• How will you do a better job of self-regulating your reactivity to the reactivity of others?

Remember, the overall goal is to represent one’s best thinking while staying in good emotional contact with the congregation, and to regulate self as anxiety and tension fluctuate in response to the counterbalancing forces of togetherness and individuality in the relationship system.

It is not personal. Try telling yourself “It’s not personal” the next time your're blamed for something. Make it your mantra the next time you are criticized. “It’s not personal.” This phrase seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Why? Because blame and criticism always feel like personal attacks. And when the feeling system is active, it’s difficult to shift into the thinking system.

At an intellectual level, when things are calm, I can see and understand what others are up against in their life. I can also see how my behavior creates challenges for others. In calmer times, I can see and observe what I’m up against by the behavior of others. But, when I perceive tension in the relationship system and my feelings are revved up, my focus will shift.

When one is criticized or blamed, the brain transports this message to a deep, emotional section. And it’s from that deep place the brain mounts a reactive response. It’s as if a deep force is awakened from within that surges up and out to defend the self. It’s an automatic response. And, for a lot of us, it’s strong; strong enough to override our thinking.

When I first started applying systems thinking, it was initially out of faith because I lacked experience. In those earlier years, I borrowed the phrase, “It’s not personal.” I said it to myself whenever I was in conflict with someone (either externally or internally). Over time, I began to recognize that conflict and tension weren’t about them or me. Instead, it was about the family of origin that shaped who we are.

Our twitchiness to the vibrations of anxiety in the relationship system is rooted in how our families as an emotional unit manage anxiety. Our automatic responses to anxiety are shaped by the way the family operates in the face of a challenge. And not just the family today, but generations and generations of families have each left their functional mark on subsequent generations of the family.

Another mantra I picked up along the way is, “the other is doing the best they can with what they have. I am doing the best I can with what I have. We can all do better.” It’s an acknowledgment that what is happening between us is not about the two of us. It is much broader in scope. I cannot possibly understand the other’s reactivity towards me without having an understanding and appreciation of the family. Likewise, I cannot possibly understand my reactivity without awareness and understanding of my family of origin. Ultimately, the thinking behind these phrases converted me to thinking systems. It led me to the believe that, within the context of one’s family, individual behavior makes sense.

Rabbi Ed Friedman, author of the book "Generation to Generation," said that criticism is a form of pursuit. It’s part of the force for togetherness. That’s why some people become critical as their anxiety goes up. An increase in anxiety in the relationship system will initially pull people together, even if the pull has a negative valence. This is why, when we are blamed or criticized, it’s hard to shake it off and not take it personally. We are reacting to the force for togetherness. To make it personal is an acknowledgment that one is caught up in the togetherness. This is why, paradoxically, not to take it personally is an effort for self. It is an effort towards differentiation of self. And differentiation of self is about being a better connected self.

Praise from others can be just as precarious. It can feel good, but when the feeling is caught up in the emotional process of the relationship system, it’s still part of the force for togetherness. The force for togetherness functions to align everyone’s thinking, feelings, and actions in the face of a perceived threat. Praise can just as easily get someone in line as can criticism.

Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with either criticism or praise. I have been aided by both in my life during times of need. But they are problematic when one’s life course is only guided by the criticism or praise of others. In this way, criticism and praise undercut one’s ability to fulfill their purpose and be all that God wants them to be.

So, as we begin a New Year, perhaps a good resolution would be not to let criticism and praise guide your ship’s sails, but instead let thinking, goals setting, beliefs, core principles and responsible living be your guide!

 
I recently had a conversation with someone about self-regulation.  Self-regulation is the ability to control or adjust one’s functioning without depending on others.  One way to think about it is the capacity to regulate thoughts, feelings, and actions independent of others.  At infancy, bodily regulation is dependent on others, particularly the mother.  Fathers have some influence.  As we develop into adulthood, we decrease the dependency on others and increase the capacity to self-regulate.  No one ever makes it all the way!  We enter adulthood with a mix of both.  Dr. Murray Bowen developed this idea in his concept of differentiation of self.  You can read about it by clicking here.
 
The extent to which any one of us can self-regulate is connected to a couple of factors.  These factors include the capacity of the parents to self-regulate, the amount of tension in the family during a child’s development, the level of anxiety in the family, and the way previous generations managed tension and anxiety.  Adult children leave the family with more or less the same capacity to self-regulate as parents.  Some do a little bit better, some do a little bit worse.  But it’s roughly the same.
 
When adult children leave the family to start a new one, they hook up with someone who has a similar capacity to self-regulate.  Whatever dependency is leftover from the family of origin will be managed in this new relationship through a process of reciprocity.  For example, one spouse may be vulnerable to health problems while the other spouse is consistently healthy.  I had someone tell me, after the death of their spouse, that they were surprised to discover how their overall health had improved.  In the marriage, they were always sick, and the other was always healthy.  Now that the spouse was gone, their general health was improving. 
 
Individual models dominate most approaches to improving functioning.  People work at doing better as if it’s completely about them.  New Year’s is coming up.  Resolutions are usually about doing a better job of self-regulating.  “I’m going to lose weight.”  “I’m going to learn to play the cello.”  “I’m going to read more novels.”  These resolutions represent efforts to self-regulate behavior.  But without an understanding of the family emotional process, people generally fail in their individually focused efforts.  The challenges we face to regulate ourselves are remnants (the stuff leftover) from our childhood.  It represents our dependency on others to function.  The challenge is to finish the unfinished work of growing up. 
 
There is a natural developmental process of staying focused on what is important to self.  This process of staying focused is disrupted to a greater and lesser degree by the amount of tension and anxiety in the family.  As the level of anxiety in the family increases, the force of togetherness pulls individuals away from self-regulation towards the family which operates as one emotional unit.  It’s not unusually for people to miss this.  It’s automatic.  The phrase that best describes this process is learning to “catch yourself.”  It’s difficult to do, to be sure!  Most people can identify it happens after the fact.  So, how can we learn to catch ourselves earlier in the process?
 
Learning to catch oneself requires what I call the three C’s: clear, calm, and connected.  The first “C” is about being clear about how the family emotional process influences individual functioning.  Sometimes it’s simply an awareness that there is a process and then “seeing” it at work.  The second “C” is about staying calmer than everyone else in the family to observe the family emotional process and how it impacts each person in the family.  The third “C” is about getting connected with everyone in the family.  You can only observe this process if you are connected to everyone else.  
 
Beyond these three steps, there are no specific techniques.  It is a learn-as-you-go process.  A coach who is a good thinker can make a big difference.  Being curious, inquisitive, observational, interested, motivated, and organized can all contribute to this process of catching oneself, and lead one to doing a better job of self-regulating.  The effort to pay attention to one’s functioning while at the same time observing the functioning of others can lead to better self-regulation.  In my experience, as one works on observing the family emotional process, one can catch oneself sooner with practice.

I have a membership at a fitness center.  Every January there is a huge influx of new people.  They all have the best intentions to achieve their New Year’s resolution to be fit.  By the end of February, however, only a small percentage of these people continue to work out regularly.

There’s a difference between setting a goal and achieving a goal.  I've struggled over the years with achieving personal goals.  At one point I became so disillusioned by my consistent failure to achieve annual goals that I gave up.  But then I discovered a better way.
 
Now I focus on two sets of goals.  The first set is professional goals.  I ask myself, “What am I trying to accomplish as the leader of this organization?”  I’m not talking about organizational goals.  While my professional goals may connect to the larger organizational goals, I focus on my functioning as a leader.  There is one caveat.  I must be able to achieve my goals without participation or input from others.  I’ll come back to this idea.
 
The second set is personal goals.  I ask myself, “What am I interested in accomplishing this year?”  I’m not talking about family goals or relationship goals.  I focus on hobbies, projects, or research I want to complete over the next twelve months.  Like the professional goals, they are achieved without participation or input from others.  Why is this?
 
It turns out that activities that promote autonomy make people healthier.  To work more autonomously requires self-regulation.   Working on self-regulation improves emotional, physical, and social well-being.  Thus, goal setting is good for you if the focus is on being more autonomous.
 
But let’s be real.  You know how it goes.  Pretend your goal is to write more poetry.  You plan to set aside time every morning to write, think, and go for long walks.  You communicate your plan to your family.  They all agree not to interrupt you.  But then what happens?  The family starts to interrupt your poetry time.  The interruptions may “seem” reasonable.  Over time, you give up your goal of writing poetry because it doesn’t seem realistic.  You convince yourself that your focus should be on your family.  You put your dream of writing poetry on the shelf for now.  But what if the interruptions are a reaction to your effort to be more autonomous?  What if other people in the family are having a difficult time regulating themselves without you?  What if (are you sitting down) your regulation is also caught up with theirs?
 
Your brain allocates energy in the direction of others and self.  You allocate energy to help regulate the relationship system and to regulate yourself.  There are trade-offs either way.  Our natural inclination is to regulate others and to be regulated by others.  And while we can never escape this paradox, 50/50 is an optimum allocation of energy to others and to self. 
 
To put this in simple terms, achieving a personal goal is not about motivation or organization.  Achieving a goal requires a strategic road map for navigating the relationship system.  And by relationship system I’m talking about family, work, and organizational systems.  I'm working on a program to help people do better at achieving their goals.
 
I’m so excited to announce a goal setting retreat for clergy.  On January 16, 2018, you will be treated to a goal setting day at New Morning Retreat Center in Hampshire, Illinois. The center, with its homey farmhouse and beautiful grounds, provides the perfect setting to work on setting goals for yourself and for your ministry.
 
I’ll be facilitated the morning session. The focus will be on strategies for reaching goals and exploring common obstacles for staying on track. The discussion will be based on Bowen Family Systems Theory, which provides an understanding of human behavior that can guide individuals in using beliefs and guiding principles to achieve life goals.
 
There will be plenty of time and space to work on goals, reflect, and relax during the day. I’ll also set aside time for individual consultation with me in the afternoon. 
 
To learn more about the retreat and to register, click on this link.  Space is limited, so be sure to secure your spot!